Memories are simply too hard to endure somedays. I was sifting through the stuff in my closet, cleaning up and getting rid of things, and I found a homemade photo album. It made me want to...be self-destructive. I often wish I had no past because how can one have a present without a past? I really do not feel like I have a present, to be truthful.

Honestly, if I had to give up everything I have now even to have a fraction of what I had, I would not even think twice about it.

I have just been really down lately. More appropriately, I am more down than usual because I live in a constant state of emotional distress. Maybe distress is too harsh of a word but I am not a fan of the word "depressed." When most people say it, they really do not mean they are clinically depressed, just a little "blue" or in a state of temporary melancholy. For me, it runs so much deeper than that.

The particulars are numerous but I really just do not want to discuss them.

Whatever it is that I have done or that I have failed to do, it seems to have the most profound effect on the one I love most.

I can not cry, though, when he walks away while my arms are extended or when he forgets to reply when I say, "I love you." I am not made to do so and, sometimes, I feel as if I was not made to be a sister to him.

Out of all of the people who could see me be sad, Chris was probably the very last person (outside of Lori maybe) that I wanted to see me be weak. And I was so very when I began to talk about Donna and Mimma. He was truly resilient. He did not pat me on my head or patronize me by constantly apologizing for it. He talked to me and asked questions about Donna. I felt a deep amount of gratitude towards him for simply trying to help me cope (even if he did not know he was doing so).

Still, I feel like a jerk now for putting him in a position. It bothers me. He seems to have some degree of faith in me and my ability to suceed and overcome. I realize that I am quite vocal about the fact that what other people think of me is unimportant and that is true. I guess I just like that Chris feels that way about me and I think I feel like I let myself down for letting him down in that aspect.

People so often tell me that I am not alone in the world yet it always feels like just another empty reassurance. I already know how alone I am because I make myself that way. Granted, the intensified version of my loneliness is due to all that has happened but...I do not understand how it works sometimes, I suppose. I am not even fully sure I know what "it" is. I just do not feel like I fit in this place and not just this one but all places.

I has been a hard day...but they all are. I do not know whether I am just exhausted or I am sad. I think I am a stew of both. No mail came other than my Chicago mail and some bills and that really does hurt. I long for my brother to be home and it feels like centuries before I will see him again. I miss my Pa, who has been on my mind constantly today. I miss my Mimma and Lori. This would have been a day well spent on Belle Isle. I remember sitting on the fountain in the garden with my baby girl then watching her run in the grass barefoot after losing her shoes. It was almost like a dream...my family and I, walking in a garden. The warm sun tanning our already rosey cheeks and that special twinkle in the blue eyes of the future.

People have a tendency to say, "It could be worse." Yes, it very well could be but right now it is not. Or they say, "Just think about everyone in the world who has it a lot worse than you." I recognize that fact but, at the moment, I am setting aside the fact someone in Cameroon is starving to death because I am not that person and I do not have their problems. I have my own. I am grateful for every single thing I have in my life yet that does not mean I am not entitled to feel like my world is falling apart. In my estimation, people who say that just have an opinion of you that they do not want to outwardly express so they package it in a seemingly less abrasive statement and hand it to you as if you are some sort of idiot who does not see the truth.

I know many people, myself included, who have a tendency to internalize every bit of malcontent they feel. Yet, that does not give anyone else the right to say my complaints about my life are not justified. I have grown so tired of not being able to express anything but happiness when that is not how I feel just to appease everyone around me. I do not remember the last time I was truly satisfied with my life and it has not gotten any better. I am not saying, "Oh poor me." I am saying I feel shitty and I am going to say that I feel shitty and I have felt this way for the last 6 monthes. No, I'm not getting over it because I can not get over it. It is not because I do not want or because I like to be miserable. I am not getting over it because everything hurts too much to face. And now, I am doing it on my own. It is like breaking a bad habit, cold turkey. Only, it is not that simple because with habits you can always indulge.

I hate feeling so emotionally damaged. I do not like not being able to control what is happening to me. It is not a cop out, or an excuse. This is my reality. I have a problem. A psychological, emotional problem. I have for the better part of my life but, up until recently, I have been okay with handling it on my own. Then....I got the proverbial rug yanked out from under me. It is no longer about how I am giong to deal with this constant state of discord. It is about how long I can maintain myself before I break down all over again. I sit here, trying to figure out what I am going to do, how I am going to fix this. And it never seems to materialize into action. Not because I do not want it to but because I doubt myself to the point were I think it can not. I am so frustrated because I can not focus or study or excel or sleep or.....think. I feel like my insides are screaming all of the time and there is not a damn thing I can do. I wish I could. I just end up giving up on myself because I can not fight this losing battle.

It's back. The fever. The stiff neck. The body aches. The headaches never went away. Nor did the tiredness. What is *wrong* with me? I dont wanna be sick anymore.

And I have work tomorrow. I can't sleep. Nothing works. I'm trying not to cry because it's making it worse. But I can't help this. Then....everything else is just a mess.

Now, that, is a powerful tool. Especially if you have a weak spot in your heart for someone. Like I do for Mimma. *sigh* I would hope that she does not purposely try to make me feel as wretched as I often do. Yet, sometimes, I think that she does. Like about getting my tongue peirced. She seems so hurt when I even mention it, which I try not to. And that is like ripping my heart out. So, here I am, wanting to do it so much yet I do not want her to be disappointed or sad. I guess I pretty much have decided to *not* do it.

And then, I was telling her how I spent my Sunday. Just chilling around the house with Chester. Ya know? And she says, "Does he drive?" Hmmm, strange question. "Yeah, he does. He has to considering he lives out in BFE." And she says, "Oh. You could have stopped by with him then." That was like three stabs to the heart with a dull kitchen knife.

*sigh* This is what I hate so much about loving people the way I love her. Because I want to be angry and feel hurt that she would do that to me. But...I can't. All I can do is bite my tongue and pretend it does not bother me. Like nothing bothers me.

I never mean to hurt her. But apparently I do all the time. *shrugs* It is not fair nor is it right that she says it to me. Its not fair when she gangs up with my mom on me. But I am the rock hard pillar of strength, right? They just keep kicking me but I can not fall down. I am not allowed to be upset or angry. Because when I am, or try to get them to leave me alone, I am wrong. And she gets hurt.

I wish I could go back to being the kid. And everyone worried about hurting me. Not the other way around. I think it is really funny though. All during my youth, no one really cared that what they were doing hurt me. If they did, they would have stopped doing it or tried to at least protect me from it. But no one did. I wish I could be so blind and idolize people like use to. I just can not anymore. And now, its too late. I love them too much and my life revolves around them. Not me.

And everyone wonders why I have such a hard time loving...well, there you have it.

I am being avoided for some reason or another. That is how I feel anyway. Why this person chooses to do so is beyond me. Am I that horrible of company?? No, I am not the most intelligent person in the world. I am not the most unintelligent either. And I know I am not the prettiest person. But am I that hideous?? I would like to believe that is not the case. I do not know if this person feels intimidated or annoyed. Whatever the case may be, it is bothering me more than it should. *sigh* I guess that is how things work sometimes. The people that you feel you can confide in are the complete opposite.

The pain rips through me, starting at my heart and working its way throughout. I wish the cold emptiness existed inside of me like it does inside of you. I feel though and I hate because of it. You make me hate. Not just you but people like you as well. And, all though I do not want to believe it, he is like you in so many ways. You have made him like you and he was damned at birth for having your blood run through his veins. He knows this and I fear that it will push him closer and closer to the edge. And one day, he will see no other escape from you than to jump. The day that this happens, which I fear it will, will be the last day of your life as well. Losing him will be the day that I will no longer fear or hurt for I will be cold as you are. I would feel no remorse in killing you.

Because so slowly have killed everything happy and beautiful in my life. Nor would I shed a tear if you suffered from excrutiating pain for that is what you have caused all whom I love. Especially him.

You do not open your arms to him like he has tried to do for you. He will never be what they are even though he is more than they will ever be. He asks not for what he knows he can not have. Simply that he be treated like a human and shown that he matters. Yet, you can not do that for him. Why? You may hurt me as much as you like because I am not longer naive and I know who you are. I do not need you as I did as a little girl. He, however, still does as he always has. And like always, he is disregarded and pushed aside. And one day, you will push so hard that he will turn away from you. Never to return.

Then you will be alone. . .just like your father was when he died. No son to love you. You'll lay there in your bed and wish that he with you or at least that he would shed a tear that you were gone. But I doubt he will. You will have no one to love you and you will finally realize how that boy feels. How lonely and unloved he feels. And when you take your last breath, cry your last tear, you will realize his pain and the mistake that you have made. Then, however, it will be too late for you. Too damn late!

Stab me as you please and enjoy hurting me as you always do. I am broken and unfixable. But he still has a gleam in his eyes and there is hope to right your wrongs. Do not ruin him as you have me. For he has a love for you that is unspeakable. He has learned that it is not right to speak it. Or feel it. Still, he does. In his heart, he sees you as daddy. He would love nothing more than for you to put your arms around him and say, ""I love you, son,"" and truly mean it. So do that for him at least. Before you lose him forever.

Today, I found a charm bracelet that belongs to my mother. It was from when she graduated from High School and Beautician School. It is missing a few charms. She use to let me wear it when I was a little girl b/c I adored the little piano on it. I find it so weird because I remember being so young and never imagining life without my mother. I wasn't plagued by the fact that she would not be with me forever. Last nite, she was having chest pains while we were watching a movie. Out of the blue she says, "Would you take care of the your brother if something happens to me? And your dad?" It hit me the wrong way. I wanted to break down in tears right then. Like usual, I simply said, "Of course I will, momma." I just wanted to pretend like she never said it. I couldn't get it out of my head. It scares me so much. I do not know what I would do without my mother in my life. I may fight with her and whatnot but I love her so much. She is the person I look up to most because she is so strong and would do anything for the people she loves, especially her family. She never shows people how much pain she is truly in and when she smiles, it makes all the tears worth crying. I know she'll never read this but I almost wish she would. No matter how much I tell her, I do not think that she realizes that she is my hero. Without her, I would not be who I am. She has always supported me and the choices I make, no matter how much she may have disagreed. She has given up so much for me and I can never thank her enough for that.